Oh my goodness it's hard to talk about hard things with people! Right?! Especially people you love because you don't want to hurt their feelings or you're afraid they may get angry at you, say mean things and maybe even leave you. But I have found that if I don't say the hard things quickly they become monsters anyway!
It's those hard things, that when kept silent, start to creep into our hearts and minds. They make our minds run away with other monster thoughts and create High Avoidance Anxiety. (My new diagnosis)
So here are some thoughts for us people pleaser, co-dependent, talk avoiders out there including everyone in-between.
Things To Think Before You Say The Hard Things
1. It's ok to be angry & hurt. But say the hard things in a manner that honors them & you. Don't create a whole new monster!
2. Don't make the hard thing you have to say bigger than it really is. Stick to the point. In other words don't allow other "remember-that-one-time" monsters to join in the convo.
3. State your hard things with words like, "When this happens I feel....."
As opposed too, "What the "bleep" were you thinking!?!?"
Hear the difference? (Please tell me you hear the difference.)
4. If you've been the one to hurt someone by lying, saying things behind their back, not caring for their hearts well and on & on & on...(this might be hard) but GO TO THEM! Tell them what you did before they have to approach you! (Scary. I know. But you got this!) Don't let them carry your hard stuff because it's yours to own not theirs!
5. Apologize. And mean it. Then listen to them. Seriously...this is the place you will normally want to run away screaming, but don't! Stay put! And truly listen! You can do it!!!
6. Here's the trickiest one... While you're listening...be very attentive to what they are saying. Look inside your own soul and try to feel what they are feeling. Then say back to them what you understand. This can make you very squirmy because you are opening up a level of vulnerability you may have never tapped into before. GOOD JOB! Your vulnerability tells them that they matter to you.
7. Take responsibility. Own it. Put into words your choices and actions without even the tiniest hint that you might blame them for what you've done.
8. What you do and the ways you speak after this matter. Words are just words. And words without follow through create disappointment.
I'm pretty sure if you start doing these 8 things you are now a RECOVERING people pleaser, co-dependent, talk avoider and everyone in-between.
Monsters are much harder to tame once they're out of their cages. Catch em' when they're small. Lock them up. And don't feed them!
By: Polly Wright
Help everyone get rid of the monsters by sharing!!!
Thoughts? Comments? Email me: Polly@PollyWright.com