First the lights just flickered a bit. You know, where you hold your breath in anticipation and wait to see what happens. Then BOOM, a few seconds later all the lights went out, and stayed out.
It was 11:30pm and I still wasn’t asleep. I grabbed my phone and turned on its flashlight then cautiously walkedinto the living room. My daughters were not home so the quiet was deafening. I grabbed a lighter and lit a few candles to have some light that was not the blindingflashlight from my phone.
I peeked through the blinds and looked to see that the whole apartment complex was dark. Come to find out it was a huge outage that left 1027 people without powerbecause of equipment failure.
I looked at my phone to see the battery life low and decidedto head to my car to charge it bit just in case I needed it for an emergency. I grabbed my dog, Cowboy, clipped on his leash and headed to my car. Once settled in with phonechargingmy curiosity started to rise. So I put my car in drive and drove around to scope out who else had lost power. I stayed on the back streets due to all of the traffic lights being out because a car accident wouldso not be cool.
Every house and apartment complex werepitch dark.
With my curiosity satisfied I headed back to my parking spot to sit just a bit longer to get a little more charge before going back in to try to sleep.
I saw a flicker from a lighter across the way on someone’s balcony and watched a person light a cigarette. My mind quickly remembered the candles that were in my house still lit. (I know I shouldn’t have left them lit but in my defense they are in protective hurricanes and I NEVER leave them lit when I leave my house.)
FLASHBACK A WEEK AGO
I have been wrestling for as long as I can remember with a voice that tells me I’m not good enough. I’m the bad guy. I will never be strong enough to care for myself. I’m a quitter. I’m too much. I’m not enough. It tells me I’m not worth fighting for no matter what I do. I can’t complete anything. I’m not chosen.
This voice has and is almost always present speaking words over me that I want to believe are lies but when coupled with anxiety and worry even with my true constraints those words penetrate deeper into my heart and my beliefs. I doubt my worth and myself.
This past week several events took place and the voice became stronger and clearer. Almost swallowing me to have me believe that what God has called me too do wasn’treally His calling for me and I needed to step away.
It was crushing me.
It was darkness.
These past several weeks I’ve been seeking and asking God many questions about who He created me to be. What hasHe truly created me to do? And is that voice someone else’s voice or me?
I kept hearing that it was I. It was I telling me all those horrible drowning lies.
And I asked God to take them away. To remove the voices that silences the truth. And He said I had to hand over the lies to Him. So I did, after hanging tightly to them for many moments, afraid. I handed Him shame, fear, despair, unworthiness and all the others that were consuming me. Each one that I handed Him burned up before me in His presence!
In its place He filled me with His spirit like I had never seen before! It was beautiful, bright and magnificent! I was quite surprised by this so I asked Him, “Lord, I have been saved and thought I received Your Spirit.”He said,“You have but Iam strengthening you more with My love!”
He has shown me so much from my past and present and how He’s protected me in ways I couldn’t see until I asked Him. Yet I was still very frustrated at the voice that was tearing me down that we had commanded to leave in Hisname. And I was allowing it to still tell me those things. I was confused at how I thought I was doing better and was stunned at how a few events made it feel like I was being tackled.
The spark from the cigarette lighter got me thinking about how many people had lit candles to give them light in the darkness. I began to worry about people falling asleep with lit candles and open flames and thought, I need to pray for protection.
So I started to pray…
“God, please protect all the people….”
LIGHTS! The lights started popping on all over the complex! The electricity was back on!
I sat there in my running car with my mouth hanging open.
What just happened God?
He said, “You were praying for protection in the darkness so I turned the lights on.”
I laughed out loud with joy!
I FELT it! I SAW it!!!
I felt hope! I watched the power of God through prayer come alive!
I was in the dark grasping for light in the dark places and in a moment He reminded me that I am in His powerful light! That no weapon formed against me will prosper! And thevoice that had been pounding me with self-doubt is terrified of what God has put in me and wants to silence me. It almost succeeded. BUT GOD!!!
God said, “Let go of my girl! She’s mine! My daughter! My princess! My warrior! She has hope! She has faith! She has My Spirit in her that is strong and loves extravagantly!”
I woke up this morning with hope. I woke up not hearing the voice of doubt but the voice of Him calling me forth to Him!
I am not a slave to shame, fear and unworthiness.
I am free in Him and full of His loving powerful spirit!
YOU ARE TOO!!!
You are His!
You are His warriors!
He is there fighting for you!
I still had to choose to let go of the fears and crippling unworthiness. I had to hand it over to Him for me to receive more of Him. I had to step out in faith and trust Him. I had to ask Him questions and seek His answers.
I GET to be His daughter and warrior.
Beloved, He’s got you. You are worth fighting for. He will never leave or forsake you.
And even if you pray from what feels like darkness, His Light is there to be turned on brighter than you’ve ever seen before.
Pray out loud!
*Blog written June 22nd 2015