Viewing entries tagged
Grief

Play In The Rain

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Play In The Rain

Tonight I rode my bike to the grocery store.

I carried the cute wicker basket in to go get a couple of things.

I noticed the clouds building in the South but went into the store anyway.

I came out with my things, put the basket back on my bike and undid the lock.

The clouds were above my head and weighted heavy with water.

I mounted my seafoam green cruiser and it began to sprinkle.

As I continued down the path the clouds opened up and a beautiful heavy summer rain poured on me all the way home.

I started to cry tears that matched the droplets of rain.

In the rain your tears are hidden.

I wasn't crying because it was raining on me like a bad luck thing.

I was crying because I felt Gods love pouring on me!

The rain was cool & refreshing!

I hadn't played in the rain in years!

And tonight I was surprised with His love pouring down on me and I got to delight in the rain!

In the next couple of days we are supposed to get rain.

I suggest you go play in it.

Dance

Sing

Laugh

Cry

Jump in the puddles

Play in the rain.

 

I wrote this June 16, 2014. Close to the same evening that I received news that changed the course of my life. God's goodness never wavered and He still pours His love on me and I still play in the rain! 

Always play in the rain!  

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Yes!

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Yes!

Today, on August 24th, 2010, 6 years ago, I said "Yes" to a God calling, to start a ministry that would change the course of my life & others forever!!!

I'm constantly reminded and amazed what a little three letter word has the power and capability to do in our lives!

Thank You, God, for the continuous opportunities to say "YES!" In so many ways!

And thank You for all of the amazing beautiful Cherished Butterflies You allowed me to meet & get to be a part of in their beautiful journey to truly know You.

Today's "Yes" anniversary is a bittersweet one.

Tears flowed with sadness, deep gratitude & joy. 

God...

You are faithful.

You are a protector.

You are a provider.

You are strength!!!

Here's to many more God calling "Yeses"!!!

What's your "Yes"?

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You Ok?

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You Ok?

You ok?

I haven't seen you or heard from you in a while.

I've heard some things about what's been going on from other people but wanted to ask you directly...

You ok?

I've heard some rumors. 

I've heard some sad things about what you're going through and how much they loved & were praying for you.

I've heard some others say some distorted  things about you & your circumstances, making it sound like they didn't really know or understand in the first place what was going on with you.

So I stopped them in their talking about you & wanted to reach out to you directly.

To check in...

To say, Hey. I love you. You don't have to defend, explain or tell me anything if you don't want to share. I just want you to know I will not listen to others about what they think has happened in your life. I know things may look one way but I know better than to believe what I see before I create thoughts and judgements around those.

I'm pretty sure we all know what it's like for people to think they know all about our circumstances & share it with others & the pain that it causes in us.

I can't imagine how hard it's been for you to walk through so many different changes & the deep pain you must feel.

Loss.

Heartache.

Lack of trust.

And the whole mass of emotions connected to circumstances.

Just remember my friend, you are seen. You are known. You are loved & I believe in you!

Oh. And one more thing, not everyone listens to & entertains rumors. There are some of us that set aside those things and pray and ask directly.

Please know I totally understand if you don't respond to me.

I know it may be hard to trust again but in time you will. God will bring wonderful caring, seeing, loving people around you to remind you of those things.

So I just wanted to reach out for a moment and say hi and that I love you.

Love,

Polly

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Silenced

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Silenced

Shhhhh. Do you hear it?

Pause for a moment. Take a deep breath, lean in  & listen closely.

Do you hear the tears falling?

Do you hear the hearts breaking?

Do you hear the confusion & the anger ringing out from all of humankind?

 

The fear?

 

It's deafening when you really listen.

Everyone yells,

"We can no longer stay silent"

But no one knows how to speak anymore.

Our words get caught in the throats of personal, political & religious agendas.

Our eyes only want to see what our minds have filtered through the ages.

And still. The silence is deafening.

Hate draws on fears to strengthen control & desires for someone else to fix our pains.

When it's been the "someone's" we keep looking to...

That end up causing the most pain.

 

Unity is silenced.

Morality is silenced.

Acceptance is given a distorted voice that opens doors to abuse & even more fear.

 

Our discernments are told to be convinced we are liars & haters and that the only way we can fix things is by people who seem to know better so that they can control us.

But things have not gotten better.

They've gotten worse.

 

Shhhhhh. Do you hear it?

Do you remember what that is?

It's mindfulness & self thought.

Its intelligence & prayer

It's Holy Spirit guiding you to think for yourselves & not be controlled by others.

 

It's love & not hate.

It's truth & not lies.

 

Rage feeds rage.

Hurt feeds anger.

 

And we are all pawns until we say

 

No more.

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His Love Abounds

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His Love Abounds

Happy New Year Cherished Friends!!

 

The favor of the Lord reaches deep, far and wide. In all our struggles, temptations, failures, successes & dreams gained/lost...His Spirit longs to fill us with more of His presence.

 

His mercies are new

His grace abounds

His hope penetrates

His love consumes

His joy fills our souls

His love reaches into places that pulls us in or separates us

Yet His allowance for our choices will always refine us

 

A new year helps us reflect, celebrate, cry, hope and recognize His miracles all around us.

 

May He overwhelm you with His captivating peace today and all the days to come.

I pray He settles your fears while you journey through refining.

May fear never overtake you

 

And most importantly

You are not too much for Him.

Give Him all you got!

He never disappoints

 

Happy New Year!

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Lights On!

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Lights On!

 Lights Out

First the lights just flickered a bit. You know, where you hold your breath in anticipation and wait to see what happens. Then BOOM, a few seconds later all the lights went out, and stayed out.

It was 11:30pm and I still wasn’t asleep. I grabbed my phone and turned on its flashlight then cautiously walkedinto the living room. My daughters were not home so the quiet was deafening. I grabbed a lighter and lit a few candles to have some light that was not the blindingflashlight from my phone.

I peeked through the blinds and looked to see that the whole apartment complex was dark. Come to find out it was a huge outage that left 1027 people without powerbecause of equipment failure.

I looked at my phone to see the battery life low and decidedto head to my car to charge it bit just in case I needed it for an emergency. I grabbed my dog, Cowboy, clipped on his leash and headed to my car. Once settled in with phonechargingmy curiosity started to rise. So I put my car in drive and drove around to scope out who else had lost power. I stayed on the back streets due to all of the traffic lights being out because a car accident wouldso not be cool.

Every house and apartment complex werepitch dark.

With my curiosity satisfied I headed back to my parking spot to sit just a bit longer to get a little more charge before going back in to try to sleep.

I saw a flicker from a lighter across the way on someone’s balcony and watched a person light a cigarette. My mind quickly remembered the candles that were in my house still lit. (I know I shouldn’t have left them lit but in my defense they are in protective hurricanes and I NEVER leave them lit when I leave my house.) 

FLASHBACK A WEEK AGO

I have been wrestling for as long as I can remember with a voice that tells me I’m not good enough. I’m the bad guy. I will never be strong enough to care for myself. I’m a quitter. I’m too much. I’m not enough. It tells me I’m not worth fighting for no matter what I do. I can’t complete anything. I’m not chosen.

This voice has and is almost always present speaking words over me that I want to believe are lies but when coupled with anxiety and worry even with my true constraints those words penetrate deeper into my heart and my beliefs. I doubt my worth and myself.

This past week several events took place and the voice became stronger and clearer. Almost swallowing me to have me believe that what God has called me too do wasn’treally His calling for me and I needed to step away.

It was crushing me.

It was darkness.

These past several weeks I’ve been seeking and asking God many questions about who He created me to be. What hasHe truly created me to do? And is that voice someone else’s voice or me?

I kept hearing that it was I. It was I telling me all those horrible drowning lies.

And I asked God to take them away. To remove the voices that silences the truth. And He said I had to hand over the lies to Him. So I did, after hanging tightly to them for many moments, afraid. I handed Him shame, fear, despair, unworthiness and all the others that were consuming me. Each one that I handed Him burned up before me in His presence!

In its place He filled me with His spirit like I had never seen before! It was beautiful, bright and magnificent! I was quite surprised by this so I asked Him, “Lord, I have been saved and thought I received Your Spirit.”He said,“You have but Iam strengthening you more with My love!”

He has shown me so much from my past and present and how He’s protected me in ways I couldn’t see until I asked Him. Yet I was still very frustrated at the voice that was tearing me down that we had commanded to leave in Hisname. And I was allowing it to still tell me those things. I was confused at how I thought I was doing better and was stunned at how a few events made it feel like I was being tackled.

LIGHTS OUT

The spark from the cigarette lighter got me thinking about how many people had lit candles to give them light in the darkness. I began to worry about people falling asleep with lit candles and open flames and thought, I need to pray for protection.

So I started to pray…

Out loud.

“God, please protect all the people….”

LIGHTS ON

LIGHTS! The lights started popping on all over the complex! The electricity was back on!

I sat there in my running car with my mouth hanging open.

What just happened God?

He said, “You were praying for protection in the darkness so I turned the lights on.”

I laughed out loud with joy!

I FELT it! I SAW it!!!

I felt hope! I watched the power of God through prayer come alive!

I was in the dark grasping for light in the dark places and in a moment He reminded me that I am in His powerful light! That no weapon formed against me will prosper! And thevoice that had been pounding me with self-doubt is terrified of what God has put in me and wants to silence me. It almost succeeded. BUT GOD!!!

God said, “Let go of my girl! She’s mine! My daughter! My princess! My warrior! She has hope! She has faith! She has My Spirit in her that is strong and loves extravagantly!”

I woke up this morning with hope. I woke up not hearing the voice of doubt but the voice of Him calling me forth to Him!

I am not a slave to shame, fear and unworthiness.

I am free in Him and full of His loving powerful spirit!

YOU ARE TOO!!!

You are His!

You are His warriors!

He is there fighting for you!

I still had to choose to let go of the fears and crippling unworthiness. I had to hand it over to Him for me to receive more of Him. I had to step out in faith and trust Him. I had to ask Him questions and seek His answers.

I GET to be His daughter and warrior.

Beloved, He’s got you. You are worth fighting for. He will never leave or forsake you.

And even if you pray from what feels like darkness, His Light is there to be turned on brighter than you’ve ever seen before.

Pray out loud!

*Blog written June 22nd 2015  

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Gratitude Through Grieving

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Gratitude Through Grieving

Gratitude grasped through grieving pulls deep from the core of my heart.

It's been difficult to get out of the pain this time. It has come in different waves and several of them have knocked me over.

Like most people I portray this strong vulnerable happy woman, on social media. I portray her because I want everyone to know anyone can make it. Except how can I be a voice to the "You got this!" crowd if no one knows..."Dang it! I don't got this!"

The fear is massive.

The heartbroken pain is nothing I've ever experienced. 

The betrayal.

The questions.

The choices (mine & others).

The loss.

Are all waves that surround and swarm me.

Then gratitude peeks through the frothy waves and for a moment Gods voice is clear.

He sings to me.

He holds me.

He calls to me, "Daughter...I won't let you drown. I want you to grieve. I need you to mourn the losses. I desire for every part of your heart to ache...and in that ache...long for Me, cherished one."

Grief is a temporary emotion to the grace He offers us.

I will choose to be grateful for the... what was, the what is and what is to come.

His extravagant love.

"After you have suffered for little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you."

1 Peter 5:10

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